For my last wish, I wished my dad to be alive again.
I stood atop his grave and smiled, imagining him screaming and clawing at his coffin lid as he did the two previous times I wished him back.
“Congratulations, it’s another boy.”
The nurse wearily handed off baby #14, and everyone wondered how many more would come out of me.
My daughter told me "I'm excited to visit grandma today!"
"Oh yes, you'll have tons of fun," I said tightening her noose.
Ever since the accident I've been in a coma, unable to move or talk, but my wife visits every day to keep me company.
I just wish to god I could tell her about the bedbugs
Ever since I fell in the park, my eye has been twitching and straining.
But I’m scared of what will happen if I pull the needle out.
My son told me that he loves to sleep because he remembers everything that he dreams about.
Yesterday he cut his eyelids off so that he wouldn't fall asleep.
The itch is still there
Too bad there is no more skin to scratch
“Mom, there’s someone under my bed!”, our son said, and I tried not to laugh as he led me to his room.
We’d come up with a great prank, but the man waiting under the bed wasn’t my husband.
As the smoke surrounded me, I just managed to read the sign that said "Warning: Do not use the elevator in case of a fire"
I sighed, and pushed the button anyways, and sat back in my wheelchair waiting for the elevator to arrive.
It was gross pulling all the hair out of the bath's plug hole, but then I found the teeth.
Dammit, the website said the acid would dissolve EVERYTHING！